It's been awhile.

I've stayed away from here. I've stayed away from all things fertility related. Until now. And I'm back... With more drive than ever to get pregnant. 

Hubs and I have really struggled since September, when I wrote my last post. I sunk way deep into a funk. I didn't want anything to do with him, he didn't want anything to do with me. We went through a really difficult period, and it finally came to blows right before Christmas. We had stopped connecting, emotionally and physically. We were just going through the motions of each day. Finally, one night, which was supposed to be a date night, it all exploded. We cried, we screamed at each other, and finally let it all out. If you knew my husband, you would know that he doesn't share his emotions very often, if ever. I've come to accept that. But when I needed him most, he had shut down. I got tired of hearing, 'it will happen honey. Just relax.' Or, 'maybe you need to go to the doctor?' WHAT THE HELL! Really?! Have you not been listening to me for the last year? I've been to the doctor. And at last, all of it came out. All the anger, all the sadness that both of us have been feeling came out. And it felt amazing. 

At the end of December, I decided to start taking the 100mg of Clomid that my stupid doctor had given me. I've never taken 100, only 50. And now, I'm supposed to ovulate in the next week, but I'm fairly certain that it won't happen. I felt so optimistic and tried not to get my hopes up, but I did and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be let down. I started spotting, which is always a sign for me that the big O isn't going to happen. It sucks pretty bad too because hubs and I are going away this weekend for our anniversary so the timing would have been perfect. No such luck. Story of my life though!! 

In March, our new insurance kicks in and so I finally get to go see a new doctor. My old OB/GYN really is a quack, although nice, I'm pretty sure the man has no idea what he's talking about half the time. The only thing he's ever really done for me is throw some Progesterone and Clomid at me and say good luck. I half expected a pat on the ass at the end of each appointment.

One of my biggest problems is that I have this timeline in my head. I always wanted my kids to be a certain age apart and we're rapidly approaching that deadline. I have to freaking let it go. Who cares if my kids are 3 and a half years apart or not? I would however, like to have a new baby before 2011 is over. But we can't always have what we want, now can we??

I'm hoping to add to my following list and get to know some of the IF blogs that are out there a little bit better. We've all got to stick together! 

Here's to 2011 and new babies!!