I've stayed away from here. I've stayed away from all things fertility related. Until now. And I'm back... With more drive than ever to get pregnant.
Hubs and I have really struggled since September, when I wrote my last post. I sunk way deep into a funk. I didn't want anything to do with him, he didn't want anything to do with me. We went through a really difficult period, and it finally came to blows right before Christmas. We had stopped connecting, emotionally and physically. We were just going through the motions of each day. Finally, one night, which was supposed to be a date night, it all exploded. We cried, we screamed at each other, and finally let it all out. If you knew my husband, you would know that he doesn't share his emotions very often, if ever. I've come to accept that. But when I needed him most, he had shut down. I got tired of hearing, 'it will happen honey. Just relax.' Or, 'maybe you need to go to the doctor?' WHAT THE HELL! Really?! Have you not been listening to me for the last year? I've been to the doctor. And at last, all of it came out. All the anger, all the sadness that both of us have been feeling came out. And it felt amazing.
At the end of December, I decided to start taking the 100mg of Clomid that my stupid doctor had given me. I've never taken 100, only 50. And now, I'm supposed to ovulate in the next week, but I'm fairly certain that it won't happen. I felt so optimistic and tried not to get my hopes up, but I did and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be let down. I started spotting, which is always a sign for me that the big O isn't going to happen. It sucks pretty bad too because hubs and I are going away this weekend for our anniversary so the timing would have been perfect. No such luck. Story of my life though!!
In March, our new insurance kicks in and so I finally get to go see a new doctor. My old OB/GYN really is a quack, although nice, I'm pretty sure the man has no idea what he's talking about half the time. The only thing he's ever really done for me is throw some Progesterone and Clomid at me and say good luck. I half expected a pat on the ass at the end of each appointment.
One of my biggest problems is that I have this timeline in my head. I always wanted my kids to be a certain age apart and we're rapidly approaching that deadline. I have to freaking let it go. Who cares if my kids are 3 and a half years apart or not? I would however, like to have a new baby before 2011 is over. But we can't always have what we want, now can we??
I'm hoping to add to my following list and get to know some of the IF blogs that are out there a little bit better. We've all got to stick together!
Here's to 2011 and new babies!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Weekly Update and a Vent
I'm not pregnant. Obviously. Otherwise, I would be shouting it from the rooftops. I'm disappointed, but not overly surprised either. I'm more pissed off than anything. Last month, which was the first month that I've taken Progesterone, I started spotting a couple of days before my period was due, so I knew AF was coming. This month, nothing. My boobs kept hurting, I swear I felt little tugs and pulls around there, and I didn't spot. I waited like a good girl until my period was due. BFN. Tested the day after. BFN. Thought to myself, well, I'll just wait one more day and if no BFP, then I'll stop taking the Progesterone. Next morning, BFN. I cried. I got mad. And I ate a lot. Vented to my husband who looked at me like I'd lost my mind. And then I submersed myself in house projects. I painted all weekend. The master bedroom, the bathroom, tore up carpet, cleaned. You name it, it got done.
It was strange how pissed I was. Then I started thinking about it and it hit me. I wanted SO BADLY to get pregnant this month because we talked about not trying during the month of September because then that would give us an early June baby. I SO do not want my children to have to share a birth month. I don't know why. It's just one of those quirky things that you can't really explain. So, then my mind started turning again and I thought, what the hell. Lot's of families have children born in the same month. So we will try again this month and see where it lands us.
I'm kind of concerned because of this body of mine. Wayyyy back in March I believe it was, I started checking my cervix. ((Which for me, is so a crappy way to check things.)) I discovered a bump right on the side of my cervix near the opening to it. This last month, it's felt like it's gotten bigger. Buuuut, I only noticed that it got bigger when I was putting in my progesterone, so I have a feeling it made it feel bigger. It's a hard bump, and it of course showed up right after my last doctors appointment that he felt around down there. Now I'm debating whether or not I should go in and have it checked, or just hold off. My head gets the better of me sometimes and I keep thinking that maybe THIS is the reason that I can't stay pregnant. But then I know that's not why, that I've already been told why, and it's just my body punishing me because I haven't been through enough, ya know?
Just to add to my annoyance this weekend, I was stalking a popular moms board, which I don't know why I do that, and there was a thread about Pregnancy/TTC. I clicked on it, thinking there could be some important information. All it did for me was have me walk away from it feeling very irritated and making me not go back to this moms board. There were several women on there that were going on and on (I mean PAGES) about how mad and frustrated they were because they had been trying for TWO months to get pregnant and it just wasn't happening and how unfair the world is. Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? It's not like I walk around and think that no one should be allowed to be frustrated with the TTC thing. The problem that I had with it was how rude these women were. This is a board that has THOUSANDS of women on it and they basically had no respect for other women or the things they have gone through. I mean, the freaking title of the post was "HELP! STRUGGLING TO TTC." They were going on and on about how crazy it was because they were in great shape, they had no problems TTC their first (second, third) one, their doctors (yes, they've seen a doctor already) told them to go home and relax about it. These women have 2,3,4 children. I remember being naive about the TTC process, but like I've said before, I had a nagging feeling that we would struggle to conceive number two. It just makes me so sad that they have no regard for others feelings, especially with soooo many other moms on this board. I hope and pray for them that they will have no trouble TTC and that it happens quickly for them, but I can still be pissed off about it.
So, now we wait. Wait for AF to say goodbye and hope this will be the last time I see her for a veryyyyyy long time.
It was strange how pissed I was. Then I started thinking about it and it hit me. I wanted SO BADLY to get pregnant this month because we talked about not trying during the month of September because then that would give us an early June baby. I SO do not want my children to have to share a birth month. I don't know why. It's just one of those quirky things that you can't really explain. So, then my mind started turning again and I thought, what the hell. Lot's of families have children born in the same month. So we will try again this month and see where it lands us.
I'm kind of concerned because of this body of mine. Wayyyy back in March I believe it was, I started checking my cervix. ((Which for me, is so a crappy way to check things.)) I discovered a bump right on the side of my cervix near the opening to it. This last month, it's felt like it's gotten bigger. Buuuut, I only noticed that it got bigger when I was putting in my progesterone, so I have a feeling it made it feel bigger. It's a hard bump, and it of course showed up right after my last doctors appointment that he felt around down there. Now I'm debating whether or not I should go in and have it checked, or just hold off. My head gets the better of me sometimes and I keep thinking that maybe THIS is the reason that I can't stay pregnant. But then I know that's not why, that I've already been told why, and it's just my body punishing me because I haven't been through enough, ya know?
Just to add to my annoyance this weekend, I was stalking a popular moms board, which I don't know why I do that, and there was a thread about Pregnancy/TTC. I clicked on it, thinking there could be some important information. All it did for me was have me walk away from it feeling very irritated and making me not go back to this moms board. There were several women on there that were going on and on (I mean PAGES) about how mad and frustrated they were because they had been trying for TWO months to get pregnant and it just wasn't happening and how unfair the world is. Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? It's not like I walk around and think that no one should be allowed to be frustrated with the TTC thing. The problem that I had with it was how rude these women were. This is a board that has THOUSANDS of women on it and they basically had no respect for other women or the things they have gone through. I mean, the freaking title of the post was "HELP! STRUGGLING TO TTC." They were going on and on about how crazy it was because they were in great shape, they had no problems TTC their first (second, third) one, their doctors (yes, they've seen a doctor already) told them to go home and relax about it. These women have 2,3,4 children. I remember being naive about the TTC process, but like I've said before, I had a nagging feeling that we would struggle to conceive number two. It just makes me so sad that they have no regard for others feelings, especially with soooo many other moms on this board. I hope and pray for them that they will have no trouble TTC and that it happens quickly for them, but I can still be pissed off about it.
So, now we wait. Wait for AF to say goodbye and hope this will be the last time I see her for a veryyyyyy long time.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Long Introduction...
I wanted to take a few moments to introduce myself into the world of infertility. Many of you don't know me, other than what you will read here. I've found most of your blogs through other blogs and so on and so forth. I will keep things semi-anonymous on the off chance that my family, who has no idea of our struggles, will find this. This is my struggle to conceive, my rants and raves against what I consider an unfair world, and the humor we are trying to desperately trying to find in all of this. So bare with me will I explain our struggles to achieve the one thing missing from our lives...
We'll start off with the basics... 23 y/o mama, married to 26 y/o hubs, one adorable 2 y/o little man, 3 dogs, two cats, two fish, and an empty, malfunctioning uterus, all living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
Our journey started almost exactly 3 years ago on October 3rd, 2007... I peed on that stick, being 4 days late for my period and almost immediately got a BFP! I had a normal pregnancy, no problems, no scares, and delivered a beautiful baby boy in June of 2008 after 32 hours of labor. ((Medicated of course!)) I was so stinking naive at that point of what the next two years would bring into our lives.
In December of that year, with my bouncy 6 month old, I started to get baby fever. Hubs and I were at a good spot in our lives to welcome another baby into the family. We thought that we would wait a few more months and then start trying. In February of 2009, we started trying. For some reason, in the back of my mind, I had this nagging feeling that we would have problems when the time came to start trying... Boy, was I right. March brought a BFN, followed by April bringing me another BFN. I started getting discouraged. We got pregnant with little man the same month I went off BCP. May came upon as, as did another BFN. At the end of May, while in the midst of planning little mans 1st birthday, my 54 y/o father, my best friend, suffered a massive stroke that left him unable to even speak or move his left side. We would all struggle for the next 7 months to hear his beautiful voice and get him back to himself, which we never achieved. He passed away December 22nd 2009. I, of course, was crushed. Hubs and my daddy-o were more like father and son than my own brothers were with him. While trying to help my dad recover, we half halfheartedly tried to get pregnant. I was shocked when the beginning of November before my dad died, brought me a BFP!! Three days after getting a BFP, I started to cramp, followed by bleeding. I knew what was happening and I was crushed. The next month and a half were focused on how sick my dad was, and my mind was nowhere near trying to bring another life into this world. In January, after we held dad's services, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting in the dining room, talking to my dad and crying about how we were having problems getting pregnant. He told me, 'it will happen when the time is right.' That was one of my dads favorite sayings. The dream was so real. I woke up the next morning feeling a little bit renewed. It's so cheesy, but I truly felt like he had come to me in my dream because he knew what was going on down here.
Towards the end of January, we decided that we wanted to start actively trying again. Only this time, I noticed that something was missing. I wasn't ovulating. I made an appointment with my doc in March, who prescribed me Clomid. I got my hopes up for that month, only to be let down once again. The Clomid did nothing but make me feel like shit. I didn't even ovulate. I decided that I didn't want to take it again, so I started taking Vitex, to no avail. Then in May of 2010, I finally ovulated on my own! The beginning of June brought me a BFP!! I felt great, but was cautiously optimistic. 4 days later, I started to bleed and once again, I knew. We lost another baby. I made another appointment with my doctor at the end of June. He diagnosed me with a Luteal Phase Defect after going through testing. He told me that he wanted us to wait to start trying, but I couldn't wait. Even having a 2nd miscarriage didn't throw my cycles off and they came like clock-work. But once again, I quit ovulating. We aren't really sure why, as nothing in my life has really changed. So here we sit in September, with the possibility that I may be pregnant, although very doubtful. I'll continue to shove these progesterone suppositories where the sun don't shine, and wait for that BFP. We are now going on almost two years of trying to bring a second life into our families. It's apparent that we have no problem getting pregnant. It's actually staying pregnant that is proving to be the challenge.
This is my attempt at finding the humor in all of this. I can be a bit rash, but I mean no harm. I hope you'll follow me in my journey to say hello to baby number two!
I look forward to 'meeting' some of you awesome ladies and hearing your stories and following your journey along the way!
We'll start off with the basics... 23 y/o mama, married to 26 y/o hubs, one adorable 2 y/o little man, 3 dogs, two cats, two fish, and an empty, malfunctioning uterus, all living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
Our journey started almost exactly 3 years ago on October 3rd, 2007... I peed on that stick, being 4 days late for my period and almost immediately got a BFP! I had a normal pregnancy, no problems, no scares, and delivered a beautiful baby boy in June of 2008 after 32 hours of labor. ((Medicated of course!)) I was so stinking naive at that point of what the next two years would bring into our lives.
In December of that year, with my bouncy 6 month old, I started to get baby fever. Hubs and I were at a good spot in our lives to welcome another baby into the family. We thought that we would wait a few more months and then start trying. In February of 2009, we started trying. For some reason, in the back of my mind, I had this nagging feeling that we would have problems when the time came to start trying... Boy, was I right. March brought a BFN, followed by April bringing me another BFN. I started getting discouraged. We got pregnant with little man the same month I went off BCP. May came upon as, as did another BFN. At the end of May, while in the midst of planning little mans 1st birthday, my 54 y/o father, my best friend, suffered a massive stroke that left him unable to even speak or move his left side. We would all struggle for the next 7 months to hear his beautiful voice and get him back to himself, which we never achieved. He passed away December 22nd 2009. I, of course, was crushed. Hubs and my daddy-o were more like father and son than my own brothers were with him. While trying to help my dad recover, we half halfheartedly tried to get pregnant. I was shocked when the beginning of November before my dad died, brought me a BFP!! Three days after getting a BFP, I started to cramp, followed by bleeding. I knew what was happening and I was crushed. The next month and a half were focused on how sick my dad was, and my mind was nowhere near trying to bring another life into this world. In January, after we held dad's services, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting in the dining room, talking to my dad and crying about how we were having problems getting pregnant. He told me, 'it will happen when the time is right.' That was one of my dads favorite sayings. The dream was so real. I woke up the next morning feeling a little bit renewed. It's so cheesy, but I truly felt like he had come to me in my dream because he knew what was going on down here.
Towards the end of January, we decided that we wanted to start actively trying again. Only this time, I noticed that something was missing. I wasn't ovulating. I made an appointment with my doc in March, who prescribed me Clomid. I got my hopes up for that month, only to be let down once again. The Clomid did nothing but make me feel like shit. I didn't even ovulate. I decided that I didn't want to take it again, so I started taking Vitex, to no avail. Then in May of 2010, I finally ovulated on my own! The beginning of June brought me a BFP!! I felt great, but was cautiously optimistic. 4 days later, I started to bleed and once again, I knew. We lost another baby. I made another appointment with my doctor at the end of June. He diagnosed me with a Luteal Phase Defect after going through testing. He told me that he wanted us to wait to start trying, but I couldn't wait. Even having a 2nd miscarriage didn't throw my cycles off and they came like clock-work. But once again, I quit ovulating. We aren't really sure why, as nothing in my life has really changed. So here we sit in September, with the possibility that I may be pregnant, although very doubtful. I'll continue to shove these progesterone suppositories where the sun don't shine, and wait for that BFP. We are now going on almost two years of trying to bring a second life into our families. It's apparent that we have no problem getting pregnant. It's actually staying pregnant that is proving to be the challenge.
This is my attempt at finding the humor in all of this. I can be a bit rash, but I mean no harm. I hope you'll follow me in my journey to say hello to baby number two!
I look forward to 'meeting' some of you awesome ladies and hearing your stories and following your journey along the way!
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