I'm not pregnant. Obviously. Otherwise, I would be shouting it from the rooftops. I'm disappointed, but not overly surprised either. I'm more pissed off than anything. Last month, which was the first month that I've taken Progesterone, I started spotting a couple of days before my period was due, so I knew AF was coming. This month, nothing. My boobs kept hurting, I swear I felt little tugs and pulls around there, and I didn't spot. I waited like a good girl until my period was due. BFN. Tested the day after. BFN. Thought to myself, well, I'll just wait one more day and if no BFP, then I'll stop taking the Progesterone. Next morning, BFN. I cried. I got mad. And I ate a lot. Vented to my husband who looked at me like I'd lost my mind. And then I submersed myself in house projects. I painted all weekend. The master bedroom, the bathroom, tore up carpet, cleaned. You name it, it got done.
It was strange how pissed I was. Then I started thinking about it and it hit me. I wanted SO BADLY to get pregnant this month because we talked about not trying during the month of September because then that would give us an early June baby. I SO do not want my children to have to share a birth month. I don't know why. It's just one of those quirky things that you can't really explain. So, then my mind started turning again and I thought, what the hell. Lot's of families have children born in the same month. So we will try again this month and see where it lands us.
I'm kind of concerned because of this body of mine. Wayyyy back in March I believe it was, I started checking my cervix. ((Which for me, is so a crappy way to check things.)) I discovered a bump right on the side of my cervix near the opening to it. This last month, it's felt like it's gotten bigger. Buuuut, I only noticed that it got bigger when I was putting in my progesterone, so I have a feeling it made it feel bigger. It's a hard bump, and it of course showed up right after my last doctors appointment that he felt around down there. Now I'm debating whether or not I should go in and have it checked, or just hold off. My head gets the better of me sometimes and I keep thinking that maybe THIS is the reason that I can't stay pregnant. But then I know that's not why, that I've already been told why, and it's just my body punishing me because I haven't been through enough, ya know?
Just to add to my annoyance this weekend, I was stalking a popular moms board, which I don't know why I do that, and there was a thread about Pregnancy/TTC. I clicked on it, thinking there could be some important information. All it did for me was have me walk away from it feeling very irritated and making me not go back to this moms board. There were several women on there that were going on and on (I mean PAGES) about how mad and frustrated they were because they had been trying for TWO months to get pregnant and it just wasn't happening and how unfair the world is. Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? It's not like I walk around and think that no one should be allowed to be frustrated with the TTC thing. The problem that I had with it was how rude these women were. This is a board that has THOUSANDS of women on it and they basically had no respect for other women or the things they have gone through. I mean, the freaking title of the post was "HELP! STRUGGLING TO TTC." They were going on and on about how crazy it was because they were in great shape, they had no problems TTC their first (second, third) one, their doctors (yes, they've seen a doctor already) told them to go home and relax about it. These women have 2,3,4 children. I remember being naive about the TTC process, but like I've said before, I had a nagging feeling that we would struggle to conceive number two. It just makes me so sad that they have no regard for others feelings, especially with soooo many other moms on this board. I hope and pray for them that they will have no trouble TTC and that it happens quickly for them, but I can still be pissed off about it.
So, now we wait. Wait for AF to say goodbye and hope this will be the last time I see her for a veryyyyyy long time.
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